The Art of Acceptance and Letting Go of a Crushing Betrayal

by - December 12, 2018

When you think life has hit you hard enough in the last couple of weeks, months or even years, we often find ourselves in the darkest of places, being put through yet another of life’s assignment. This one even harder than the last one, the one you thought you won’t be able to overcome. But you did, just like you will do it again this time.

Life can be full of surprises, constantly testing and challenging us to make us stronger. The universe has a plan for us, although at times this plan may seem a little too radical or almost cruel, it is for our best. I know right!? Easier said than done because, at times, it most definitely doesn’t feel like that. However, once we accept this, the whole moving on, and finding the light at the end of a tunnel,  becomes much easier. 

healing, acceptance, letting go, mindfulness, oneness, blog, blogger, motivation, inspiration
photo by Jorge Rastrojo
Life and It’s Surprises 
Often, we get hurt the most by people that we love and trust the most. And that is exactly why, if they disappoint or betray us, it hurts just that much more. We pour our hearts out, we give trust, we are willing to be vulnerable and fragile. In a sense we strip our skin in front of these people that we precisely chose, allowing them to see us just the way we are, raw and bare, inside and out, only to find ourselves exposed. 

Have You Ever Been Betrayed? (Of course, you have….)
It is the feelings of being betrayed and feeling as we, ourselves had failed because we chose the wrong people to trust. Those people that we thought were the special ones, but they proved us otherwise. Knowing that being lied to or cheated on is never - in no way your own doing and that is where you want to start. Knowing that it is not your fault and or a mistake, it is not something you said or done. The only thing you did do is chose that particular person because it felt right (then). It is an amazing achievement to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in front of anyone, not knowing whether this will be respected and honoured. This takes a great amount of courage, so yeah you are kinda badass for that.

Let Me Tell You a Story 
I have found myself in such a situation while treating myself to a well-deserved solo surf trip to Hawaii. I needed to do something for myself as I spent so much of my time dedicated to someone else’s life and dreams, that I forgot to pursue my own. I owed this to myself and I was not going to pass on this opportunity. 

During the last three years of my relationship, I have dedicated and gave up everything to make it work, losing myself a little along the way. From moving countries, changing a career, building a business together to learning a new language to making a place called home for us. Our relationship wasn’t perfect (who’s relationship is?), but it was one of those honest and loving ones, at least that’s what I believed in. I respected my partner, I loved and valued him as a person, friend, and a partner, always admiring his good heart. 

Little did I know that this relationship would take on a whole new meaning. Completely by an accident, I found out what was going on back home and behind my back. My heart sunk to my stomach and tears started running down my face. I stared in awe at the screen of my phone, still in a shock while my busy brain took over, brainstorming and looking for links and connections of how I could miss this. And so the waterfall of self-blame, anger, disappointment, and pain made its appearance. 

I felt disrespected, unworthy, replaceable, disappointed and betrayed. In my darkest nightmares, I wouldn’t imagine that within a month of me leaving, there will be two people living in our home I temporarily left. Two people, my partner and a person who wasn’t me… That day I didn’t only lose a valued and important person in my life, I also lost a home, I lost a job, years of work and watched my plans and expectations dissolve into a thin air. In one night I lost everything I had worked for through tears, sweat and sleepless nights the past years. And I can tell you, that one is a hard one to digest. 

I am still in a process of tackling this on, but here is what I learned along the way. 
  • learn to let go of expectations
  • accept the situation
  • own your power to move past this
  • surrender to your feelings, allowing them to bubble up
  • experience these feelings (no resistance)
  • eventually, allow your feelings to pass

healing, acceptance, letting go, mindfulness, oneness, blog, blogger, motivation, inspiration
photo by Jorge Rastrojo
You have to feel it, to heal it

Time Heals
It is often our ego that suffers the most, I can with confidence say that I did not handle the situation well, actually no, I didn’t handle the situation at all. I was going through an extremely busy and demanding week when this happen, meaning I never had time or space to reflect on the situation. 

When we experience a major shift in our lives it is absolutely crucial to find some space for yourself. As much as we crave attention, spending some time alone to really see what is happening and how it makes us feel, is the way to go. While it is great to have people to cheer you up and give you warm loving hugs, once they go home, you’re the one left with the dark empty hole in your stomach. So here, make sure to give yourself time to allow all the emotions arise, and try to identify them, why are you hurting so much? Listen and observe, no judgment is allowed. 

Love and Respect Yourself 
Sometimes words can hurt more than actions. Even if a person says them out of pure anger, they can sink deep cutting into our hearts and remain unhealed for months or even years. In such experiences as breakups, divorces and separations, a lot of pain through words and insults can be said as well as done. Being hurt already, I found myself receiving one insult after another, and it seemed as if the more I began to believe those insults were the truth, the more of them kept coming my way from every possible direction. And so the vicious cycle has begun, I started responding to insults with just as hurtful comments. Thankfully, my mindful-self stopped me before it was too late. 

I recognised my own wrong action and the fact that I did not want to equal these people who hurt me. I understood where my behaviour came from and what triggered it. I forgave myself and I also apologised for my words to the people who hurt me. The hard part for me, however, was not to believe that I am the person that the insults I received tried to create. Deep down I knew that was not who I am, but there was this little doubt that - if people say it about me then it must be true. And I couldn’t have been more wrong! 

I was getting lost in doubting and blaming myself so I decided to do that one thing that always works. I got a pen from my bag and found an old piece of paper, and I wrote down all the insults that were slowly and unwillingly becoming my truth. Immediately I felt better, I looked at the list, one by one, digging deep knowing these words where not who I am. These words were the people’s own calls for help, reflections of their own struggles and problems, but also their conscious intention to make me feel depended or bad about myself. An incredible special friend of mine offered me a different perspective. He asked me if I respected these people and valued their opinions, I laughed and said ‘of course not!’. He continued, ‘if you don’t respect them as people, why would you respect their opinion or insults about yourself?’ I stood there speechless, such a minor change of perspective had caused such a major shift.

Do the Work
This is the stage I am at right now, writing this blog. It’s my way of journaling, for me writing is a therapy. Naturally, as human beings, we are great in having the urge to help and advise others, but when it comes to giving advice to ourselves, we often fail. Through writing you allow yourself to see things from a distance and give yourself a piece of advice as you would to a valued friend. 

At first, anything you know would make you feel better - just DO IT! Do you need to get drunk, let your hair down and fool around? Do it! Do you need to cry and sleep for a few days? Do it. Do you need to watch the whole series of Friends while eating ice-cream? Do it! Do you need to do something adventurous? Then go skydiving or get that tattoo you’ve wanted for so long! Whatever it is that you know will temporarily allow you to let go and make you feel badass - do it.

When you're ready, come back to yourself, and do the actual healing. Accept the situation, write about your experience and your feelings, practice yoga or enquire some other physical activity that will free your mind but also connect you and benefit the body. Find a hobby in which you can freely express yourself and get lost in, and of course, try to meditate. Meditation is the ultimate self-loving alone time. As little as 3 minutes of guided meditation to start with would do the trick. The key is consistency - sit down with yourself every morning or every evening (or even both), aim for at least five minutes and watch the magic of letting go happening. 

You are Worthy
Lastly, I’d like to remind you (because hidden somewhere deep - deep down, you hear me) that you ARE beautiful and attractive, you ARE sweet, you ARE smart, you ARE creative, you ARE kind and you ARE loving, lovable and loved. You truly ARE worthy - worthy of love, joy, and happiness. 

Let go of other's opinions, let go of expectations, just let go and surrender. Because you know you ARE your amazing independent, strong, fearless, unstoppable, wild and free self. Now own that! 

Thank you SO much for reading my blog! 
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